The name’s Bill, but most folks call me Butch. Just wanted to tell you guys about this amazing biker dude named Jesus. He and his dad had this awesome custom motorcycle shop, Joe’s Custom Choppers.
Jesus’ dad taught him the business from the ground up and they made a lot of sweet rides. Anyway, Joe passed and Jesus kept the business going, but shortened it to J.C. Choppers. He liked to build his rides with ape hanger handlebars — “ape steels” he called them.
Most of the guys he built for wanted them on their rides and people started calling them “The Apesteels.”
Anyway, Jesus had this cousin John, some kind of Baptist preacher, I think.
He went over to the Middle East somewhere to do some preachin’ and got kidnapped by some jihadis. They couldn’t get a ransom so they chopped his head off. Pretty nasty stuff.
Jesus decided to give up building choppers and carry on his cousin’s work. He was a pretty charismatic guy and a heck of a good talker. Pretty soon, he talked about 12 of the guys he built bikes for to come and help him with his mission.
The 13 of them rode their choppers in a group and made a sensation everywhere they went. Pretty soon, people were calling them J.C. and the 12 Apesteels.
J.C. gave his guys pretty cool nicknames.
His No. 1 guy, Simon, he just called “The Rock” because that dude was solid. Another guy, Thomas, was a twin, so J.C. called him V-Twin. The guy that handled all the group’s money was named Judas Ott, but J.C. called him Scary-Ott.
One time, they were at this party. The caterers ran out of beer and J.C. somehow managed to turn some barrels of water into beer. Nobody knows how he did it, but I talked to a guy who was there and he said it was the best beer he ever tasted.
Another time, J.C. was doin’ a big talk and there was like 5,000 people there. Nobody thought to bring food except this one little dude with a McDonald’s Happy Meal.
Somehow J.C. turned that Happy Meal into a feast for the whole crowd — it was amazing. I did manage to make it to one talk myself and got close enough to hear what he had to say.
He said stuff like, “You’re cool even if you’re poor, because when you get to heaven, everybody will be rich. You’re cool even if you’re all depressed, because God reaches out to those who are super sad. And you’re cool if you’re good at calming people down and helping them get along with each other. God’s got a special reward for them.”
Stuff like that.
Sometimes even the Apesteels had trouble understanding what the heck J.C. was talking about — like when he said, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” The Rock asked him, “Well, who is my neighbour?”
J.C. told this story.
“There was this dude bikin’ along, minding his own business when he hit a patch of gravel on a corner and wiped out. He was all cut up and bleeding.Some meth addicts came along and, not only did they not help him, they roughed him up some more, stole all his money and his bike. So, he’s sittin’ on the side of the road, all dirty and bleeding.
“This bishop in a Cadillac takes one look at him and drives right on by. Then a lawyer dude in a BMW slows down a bit, but doesn’t want to get blood on his fancy upholstery, so he drives by, too. Then this poor guy riding an Ural motorcycle with a sidecar comes along. He sees from the guy’s chaps that he’s a biker, too, so he stops to help. He rearranges all his gear, puts the guy in the sidecar and takes him to the nearest clinic. The meth addicts stole the guy’s wallet, so he can’t even prove he has health insurance. So the Ural guy takes out his Visa and says, ‘Just patch him up and put it on my tab.’
“So which one of the three was the best neighbour?” J.C. asks.
The Rock says, “The Ural guy, of course.”
J.C. says, “That’s how generous and helpful you need to be to anyone who’s in trouble.”
Scary-Ott decided to sell J.C. out because he was preachin’ without a licence and the mucky-mucks resented that so many people were listening to him instead of comin’ to their churches. They got him arrested and when J.C. said he could spring himself in three days, they put him in a super-max cell. How he got out after three days, I’ll never know. He was the coolest dude I ever met.
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