Questions and answers — a Kamloops Blazers survey
Survey says — the Kamloops Blazers are an interesting bunch of characters.
A 10-question survey was given to 20 Blazers, who were asked to answer a cornucopia of questions, such as: Who is the smoothest Blazer when it comes to the ladies?
The results proved for certain that Chase Souto is whipped by his girlfriend, JC Lipon has a terrible mustache, Josh Caron will not soon be selected to participate in a shootout and Brendan Ranford can learn a lot about the opposite sex from Ryan Hanes.
A list of the results is available online at kamloopsthisweek.com.
Eight of 17 Blazers (not everyone decided to answer all the questions) said Hanes has a way with women, so he must have jaw-dropping advice for people like Ranford, who earned 11 of his teammates’ 20 votes for having no game with the ladies.
“There are no secrets,” said Hanes, a born-and-bred Kamloopsian. “I just speak my mind and the girls love it.”
Not exactly jaw-dropping, but insightful nonetheless.
Souto does not have to prove himself a ladies’ man because he already has a girlfriend, affectionately known as Vodzy (short for Nevada) by the boys in the dressing room.
But, at what cost has the approval of his teammates come for Souto?
“Every Sunday at about 12 o’clock [p.m.], I get a phone call, ‘Hanes, I’ll pay you 20 bucks to drive me out to Vodzy’s house,’” said Hanes, mimicking Souto’s voice in an unusually high tone.
“‘Hanes, come on, drive me.’ Every Sunday. He is whipped.”
Blazers assistant coach Scott Ferguson, who was not invited to answer the players-only survey, had a few harsh words for the entire roster.
“I think that’s a bad question because these guys don’t know how to talk to girls. All they do is text,” Ferguson said.
“If a girl actually walked up and started talking to them, they would probably faint.”
Ferguson also weighed in on Souto’s situation.
“If a 16-year-old is whipped, that’s not a good sign. He’s got a lot of years ahead of him. It’s too bad he tapped out early.”
Tapping out early — an interesting choice of words from the Blazers’ assistant, who garnered eight votes out of a possible 20 from the Blazers, who were asked to decide the hypothetical winner of a hockey fight between Ferguson and his fellow bench assistant, Geoff Smith.
Smith, who won the decision with 11 votes, was humble in victory.
“The guys can look at my big head and it’s bald now and gray,” said Smith, noting he was not a fighter in his playing days. “I must look tougher than I am.”
Souto, who drops the gloves on occasion, gave his reason for choosing Fergs over Smitty.
“I think [Ferguson] would just go out there and just give ‘er as hard as he could and that’s when you make mistakes,” Souto said.
“Smitty would probably wait patiently and give him one good shot.”
Blazer netminder Cam Lanigan had a much less scientific answer for why he chose Smith to win the battle.
“Fergy kind of runs and hides whenever he gets his name called,” said Lanigan, a Calgary product. “Smitty would take him.”
Blazer forward Dylan Willick might not be known best for his pugilistic abilities, but he is known for driving about the city in what Souto described as an old, green beat down pile of junk.
“Sorry, Willy, but it’s not the best ride on the team,” Souto said.
Willick’s 1999 Pontiac Grand Am garnered a whopping 14 out of 20 votes for worst car driven by a member of the Blue and Orange.
Only Blazer media man Tim O’Donovan’s 1980 Buick Skylark could have given Willick’s Pontiac a run for its money, but O’Donovan’s ride was not eligible for selection.
“If we could vote Tim O’Donovan, he would, by far, have every vote,” Willick said.
Lanigan was deemed the Blazers’ best-dressed player, an honour he takes pride in, much like his wardrobe.
“It’s an accumulation of my grandma’s sweaters, a beret I picked up in Medicine Hat and other things I’ve picked up along the way,” Lanigan said.
“It works for me. That’s how I roll.”
The Blazer netminder did not pull any punches when describing Lipon’s lip whiskers, which won eight of his teammates’ 19 votes for worst facial hair on the squad.
“I don’t like it, frankly,” he said.
“I think it’s disgusting. It looks like a small caterpillar on top of his lip.”
Ranford, the Blazers’ leading scorer, said he knows why Lipon is attempting to grow some gristle.
“He tries so hard to look exactly like Ryan Hanes with his mustache. He definitely does not look good with the facial hair.”
Blazers’ D-man Josh Caron earned the dubious honour of being voted the last person his team wants participating in a shootout.
He conjured up seven of 18 votes and chose not to speak about the matter after practice on Tuesday.
Caron, a six-foot-four blue-liner who weighs in at 212 pounds, might have chalked up more votes, if Willick’s comments are accurate.
“Moose [Corey Fienhage] wasn’t in the dressing room at the time and Caron said he would fight anybody who put his name on there, so I went with Moose,” Willick said.
“Some guys are not meant for scoring.”
It should be noted Fienhage was a close second to Caron in that category, earning five out of 18 votes, and Moose was not too far away from being voted worst-dressed.
“The sweats — he just rocks sweats every day,” Lipon said.
“It has to be Corey Fienhage.”
The survey’s results would likely be shunned by the scientific community, considering issues such as Caron’s fear tactics, but Lanigan said much can be learned from how the Blazers voted.
“I feel like guys kind of nailed it, bang-on.”